


bury my love for you

by queenofteacups



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Background Finnrey, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Spooning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 17:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12917070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofteacups/pseuds/queenofteacups
Summary: When your life is filled with war and loss, it's hard to hope for a happy ending. But Rose starts to hope for one when she meets Poe Dameron.





	bury my love for you

**Author's Note:**

> When I started this fic a month ago, I did not expect it to become the monster it is. Regardless, nearly 9k words later, it is finally complete and up for you all to read.
> 
> A big thank you to @hanorganaas for introducing me to this rarepair, and for coming up with the term "porossedy" in regards to how long this fic is, because not only is it fairly accurate, it got quite a few chuckles out of me.

> _ “You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever.”  _  -Persuasion, Jane Austen.

* * *

 

The first time she meets him, it's when the heating in his bunk goes out in the middle of the night. She's the only mechanic on call when his comm goes through, so it's Rose who trudges down bare hallway after bare hallway until she reaches his quarters.

 

Rose has heard all about him, of course. The infamous Poe Dameron; his reputation as a pilot is unprecedented, the words “the best pilot in the galaxy” often following his name. He was the Golden boy of the Resistance, the son of a A-Wing pilot and Pathfinder who’d been there at the battle of Endor. He was General Organa’s right hand man, and was known for being reckless and having a hero complex.

 

Rose knocks twice on his door, and barely a second later it hisses open, releasing a blast of freezing cold air, and also her breath because what Rose hadn't heard was that Poe Dameron was also incredibly attractive. 

 

He stands against the door frame in a loose gray tunic, his dark hair fluffy from being in bed, and his voice is thick with sleep as he asks, “Rose Tico?”

 

“That's me,” Rose says, recovering quickly. Handsome or not, he's bound to be arrogant like most pilots. Rose hates arrogance.

 

“Thank the stars _. _ I was worried I called in too late... wasn't sure if you'd just wait until morning.” Poe says with a relieved sigh.

 

“Who else would be showing up at your door in the middle of the night with a spanner?” Rose asks. Poe’s eyebrows press together adorably and his entire mouth curves.

 

“Fair point. Honestly, I half expected you to be Beebee-Ate. She has a habit of sneaking off to see the other droids...Force knows what trouble she gets into with them.” Poe chuckles, moving so Rose can enter the room.

 

It's surprisingly bare--just a bed, chair, and a coffee table with more than a few stains. The only personal effects Rose sees is a beige colored flight jacket with a slash up the back, and a photo of a man and woman who look enough like Poe for Rose to guess they're his parents.

 

“Sorry for the mess,” Poe says, moving to fix the sheets on the bed like it's life or death. “I wasn't expecting company tonight--or any night, for that matter.”

 

“Not much of a love life?” 

 

Poe laughs, a real proper one that's infectious enough for her lips to quirk into a smile. “Force no,” he says. “I haven't been in a relationship since…” he trails off as his face contorting in concentration. “Before I joined the flight academy. You?”

 

Rose raises an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

 

“Asking you a question.”

 

“I know  _ that _ , flyboy. Why are you asking me? Why do you care?”

 

Poe considers her question for a moment, then asks in a low voice, “Why wouldn't I? You showed up in the middle of the night to fix my heater, the least I can do is learn a bit about you.”

 

Rose warily studies him for a moment. He’s thrown her original assessment of him completely out the window in less than five minutes, and it's unnerving to her how  _ wrong _ she’d pegged him. No, not unnerving.  _ Annoying. _

 

“I was in a relationship when I was sixteen. Broke it off before I was seventeen. Haven't been in one since.” Rose answers shortly, moving to the heater to inspect it. In her peripheral vision, she sees Poe lean against the wall. 

 

“Do you...have you ever thought of being in one after that?” Poe asks.

 

Rose stops what she’s doing, mind flickering back to another time, another planet. His warm smile, his kind eyes…

 

She shakes off the memory before it turns into something else that she know she won't be able to so easily shrug off. “No,” is all she says. “You?”

 

“Not even a little. War...war isn't kind to relationships. Besides,  _ I  _ don't even know if I'll make it back whenever I get into Black One. It'd be cruel to put someone through that...the constant not knowing.”

 

“Yeah,” Rose agrees quietly. “It would.”

 

They fall into a silence that's filled with the quiet sound of remembrance. For Rose, it's the boy that no longer exists, now dust among the cosmos like the rest of her planet. She doesn't know who Poe is thinking of, if anyone, but judging from the look on his face, it didn't end well.

 

She finishes fixing the heater without even noticing, and it takes Poe a few seconds longer than she to realize it's working again. A bright and dazzling grin spreads across his face, and he helps her up from the floor, despite her protests.

 

“You, Rose Tico, are an  _ angel. _ Thank you.” He says, his hands still on her arms. It surprises Rose that she doesn't mind his touch, or his scent, which is like a mixture of tea, smoke, and engine oil.

 

“No problem, flyboy.” Rose replies, and Poe seems to become aware he’s still holding her because he awkwardly drops his hands to his side.

 

She picks up her tools, puts them back into their correct places in her utility belt, and heads to the door. “Call me if it quits again...you’ll catch your death without it in hyperspace.”

 

“Will do. Thank you, Rose.” Poe says again, just as earnestly. Rose manages a tight smile, and steps out the door as quick as she can. His probing questions had blown open the neat little box she’d stuffed all her grief into, and she wanted to get as far away from everyone, especially Poe Dameron, before the flood gates opened.

* * *

 

After that night, Rose starts to see Poe Dameron  _ everywhere.  _ In the mess hall, in the medbay, walking down the corridors with his nose stuffed into a holopad, an orange and white beebee-unit trailing behind him, regardless of what time of day it was. If it weren't the fact that she knew he did in fact go to bed, Rose would've believed he never slept at all.

 

However, she doesn't speak to him again until late one night in the mess hall, when she’s curled up in a chair running her fingers along her crescent moon necklace.

 

Poe turns the chair opposite of her around, and straddles it, propping his arms on the back of it, and his chin on his arms. “It's late,” he says without preamble. “Shouldn't you be resting?”

 

“I could say the same about you,” Rose replies, dropping her pendant like she’s been scalded. Poe’s eyes flick toward the charm, and Rose quickly plows forward, desperate to distract him from asking any more questions. “I've seen you up and about later than this all  _ week.  _ Do you ever sleep?”

 

“Keeping tabs on me, Tico?” Poe asks with one of his iconic, charming smiles, but it does little to mask the shadows beneath his eyes, or how weary he looks. Rose wonders if anyone has noticed how much he’s suffering.

 

“You’re the only person up the same time as me, usually.” Rose shrugs the accusation off easily. “But you didn't answer my question. Do you sleep?”

 

Poe’s smile slips away slowly, as does his carefree mask. Years pile into his face, and although the light in his eyes doesn't disappear, it does dim slightly.

 

“Sometimes,” he answers softly. “Not often enough, probably. I have...nightmares.” He groans and buries his face against his arms. “That sounds ridiculous.”

 

“Not ridiculous,  _ human. _ We all have nightmares.” Rose says, mildly surprised by his honesty.

 

Poe stares at her for a moment, the kind of stare that makes her think he’s looking into her very soul. He finally tears his gaze away, and Rose can't help the sigh of relief the escapes her lips.

 

“I suppose you're right,” he says in a quick breath. Then the smile slides back on, and the light sparks, and he’s Poe Dameron, Resistance Poster Boy again. “You want some cocoa? I want some cocoa.”

 

“Why not?” Rose agrees with a forced smile. Poe nods, and then he’s gone. Rose watches after him, heart heavy with the knowledge that she couldn't do anything to help him.

* * *

 

It's not until after Crait that Rose feels comfortable calling Poe her friend. Sure, they’ve spent time together, and she seems to be one of the few people who’ve  _ really _ seen him, but she could never think of him as a  _ friend.  _

 

But after losing Paige, and defying death herself a few times, Rose doesn't want to take anything for granted anymore. She shut everyone out after Hosnian Prime was destroyed, along with her parents and Jaymes, and Rose doesn't want to do that again. Definitely not with Finn or Rey or Poe. Not when they've been through so much together already.

 

So she spends time with them. Finn spends a lot of time with her, usually trying to convince her that  _ anything _ is a better weapon than her spanner, but more often than not, he's getting her to laugh with jokes, and telling her wild stories Luke told him about Han. Rose and Rey get along well, too. They both share a love for mechanics, and Rose helps Rey collect what she needs to build her own lightsaber.

 

Poe she spends the least time with because of his duties to the Resistance. He’s always busy with  _ something _ , and Rose wonders how General Organa ever managed it. But when she does spend time with him, the more she likes him. He makes her smile without even trying, and he listens to her ramble about the latest tech she’ll never get her hands on.

 

He also puzzles her more than anyone she's ever met. He’s always ready to crack a witty line, or smile at a stranger, or make you believe that maybe, just maybe, the galaxy would one day be a peaceful place if they just kept fighting.

 

But for all of Poe’s rousing enthusiasm, and inspiring speeches, Rose could see the weariness in his eyes, the weight on his shoulders. He never showed it, nor did he let it dim his optimism, but this war was slowly chipping away his resolve.

 

And for some reason she couldn't quite explain, Rose wanted him to talk to her about it. She wanted him to open up to her, and she wanted to open up to  _ him. _ It was a terrifying, wonderful feeling.

 

Rose sighs to herself, pulling her knees closer to her chest. Lux isn't the coldest planet she's been on, but the climate is chilly enough to warrant the heaters being run whenever possible at the Resistance base. It's also chilly enough to warrant bringing a jacket outside, but Rose neglected to do that.

 

She wishes she had now, what with the wind tearing at her dirty jumpsuit, and the cold air clawing its way through the fabric. 

 

Deciding to distract herself from the cold, Rose braces herself and looks upward at the sky. There's no pollution here, so she can see every star crystal clear. And if she looks just a bit to the left, she can see the ghost of Hosnian Prime, a sparkling specter looking down at her, a shining reminder of what all she’s lost. 

 

“Bit chilly out without a coat, don't you think?”

 

A small smile upturns the corners of her lips as she turns to see Poe standing behind her, a steaming cup of something in each hand. 

 

“Caf?” He asks, raising his left hand a little higher.

 

“Please,” Rose says and Poe smiles his smile that makes entire suns jealous of the warmth that radiates from it, and hands her the cup.

 

He sits down next to her, stretching his legs and propping his right leg across his left. He remains quiet for a long time, the only sounds between them are the sounds of the sloshing of caf, and the occasional hoot of a Lux owl. He stays quiet long enough for Rose to become concerned, because she's never known Poe Dameron to be quiet.

 

Just before she gathers the nerve to ask if something's bothering him, Poe says in a low whisper, “Do you think we'll win?”

 

The air escapes her lungs in a second, and her mind races. She knew he was suffering, but had she misjudged how much? Had the cruelties of the universe finally worn away his hope, too?

 

“I…I don't know.” Rose admits, sitting her cup down. “I hope we do, otherwise I'll be  _ furious _ , but it's as much of a mystery to me as the Force.”

 

Poe turns to her, his gaze soft.  “Hope is what rebellions are built on. It keeps us going until the finish line. After all we’ve lost, though, I find it hard to believe that even if we defeat the First Order, it’ll be a victory.”

 

“It won't be, not for us. But for everyone else it will be. The people who cannot protect themselves--they’re the ones we’re fighting for. They're the ones who the victory will mean the most too. That's what will make it worth it. And... _ maybe _ there won't be any more Alderaans or Hosnian Primes.”

 

Her eyes grow hot, and she swallows hard, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay. This is exactly why she’s been avoiding the subject of her homeworld. She doesn't want people to think she's fragile glass, that she's so easily broken, but at the same time, she longs for someone to just  _ see _ her pain. To acknowledge it, and validate it.

 

A hand lands on hers, warm and callused, and she looks up to see that the hand belongs to Poe. The light in his eyes seem to blaze now, like his determination and resolve had been renewed like a spark to a dwindling flame.

 

“We’ll win,” he promises. “For them.”

 

Rose stares at him for a moment, then nods, believing him and hearing the words he left unspoken. They’ll fight for the ones they lost, for their own innocence and trust that’d been broken by the harshness of war, and for all of the First Order’s would be victims.

 

Rose grips Poe’s hand with hers, and she makes a promise of her own: “It'll be worth it.”

 

He nods shortly, and they sit there for some undeterminable amount of time holding hands under the shining stars, some sort of mutual understanding passing between them. They’ve both been broken by the First Order, but they’ve both picked up the pieces and put themselves back together again.

* * *

 

Rose and Poe. Poe and Rose.

 

They’ve become some sort of duo over the last year and a half. Thet work well together. They don't have lightsabers or the Force, like Rey and Finn, but they manage well enough with a blaster and a spanner. 

 

The thing that confuses Rose the most about their friendship, though, is why Rey and Finn share a  _ look _ every time she and Poe finish each other's sentence, or when Poe asks her to look over Black One for him, or when she steals food off his plate at breakfast. Or why Black Squadron all give Poe a knowing look whenever she tells him goodbye over a mission.

 

But the puzzle pieces inevitably fall together during a recon mission that goes south  _ fast. _

 

“Rose, run!” Poe urges, pushing her forward at the same time that he fires his blaster at a Stormtrooper. It grazes the trooper’s shoulder, and only seems to make them more determined to kill them.

 

Instinctively, Rose grabs onto the sleeve of his jacket and drags him away with her. Another shot rings off, barely missing Rose’s head by an inch or so. 

 

She yanks him into an alleyway, and they both take cover by the wall of a building. More blaster shots hit the building opposite of them.

 

“Rose,  _ run!  _ I can hold them off, go!” Poe orders, carefully wrenching his arm out of Rose’s grip. He turns and fires at the incoming squad of troopers. 

 

“No!” Rose shouts forcefully. “I'm not leaving you!”

 

“Rose--”

 

“No!”

 

Poe reels away from his position at the edge of the wall, and grabs Rose gently by the arms. His eyes are filled with an expression she isn't accustomed to seeing on him: fear.

 

“Rose,  _ please. _ Get back to the ship, prep it for take off. I'll be there, I promise.” Poe’s eyes bore into hers, pleading for her to believe him, begging for her to run. 

 

She shakes her head slightly, and he groans, dropping his head before forcing himself to meet her in the eye again.

 

“Rose, I can't--” his voice breaks slightly, and she's alarmed to see tears sparkling in his eyes. “I can't lose you, too.”

 

Her heart breaks a little in her chest, and she grabs the collar of his Resistance issued leather jacket. She hates that she has to do this, but knows he won't back down either.

 

“Come back, okay? Promise me you'll come back.”

 

Poe’s right hand moves from her arm and onto the back of her head. He pulls her close, and presses a kiss to her forehead. 

 

“I’ll come back.” He promises against her skin, and as soon as he lets her go, she runs. She runs and she doesn't stop until she reaches the ship, fear turning her mind a hurricane, and something else turning her heart into an open wound.

 

Poe stays true to his word, and appears at the shuttle a short time later, shouting at her to start the engine. She does as he falls into the pilot seat, and then they're out of there and flying up into the cosmos, and then into hyperspace.

 

As soon as the blue vortex appears before them, relief settles against Rose like a warm blanket. She turns to Poe to offer him a job well done, but fear strikes her again like a vibroblade to the chest.

 

His expression is contorted in pain, and perspiration peppers his entire face. He’s clutching his side, and Rose gets a peak at a scorch mark on his gray tunic.

 

She lunges out of her chair, and spins his around to get a better look at the wound. There's a gaping hole in his shirt, but there’s so much scorching she can't get a good look at it.

 

“Lift your shirt,” she orders. 

 

“'s not a big deal…” he mumbles, just as his eyes squeeze tight as Rose’s hand brushes over the wound. The sharp intake of breath he also takes proves it  _ is  _ a big deal.

 

“Lift. Your. Shirt.” Rose hisses, glaring up at him. “I'm trying to help you.”

 

The look she gets in return isn't one she understands: it's like he’s suddenly realizing something he cannot comprehend is really true. It slowly passes, and he lifts his shirt up.

 

The skin there is raw and tender, but the shot thankfully seems to have missed all vital organs. Rose sighs with relief, her shoulders sagging. “I think a bacta patch will fix this right up... there's some in the back, I'll go get some.”

 

She stands up and goes to get it, feeling Poe’s gaze on her the entire time. When she returns, he still has that awed yet bewildered look on his face, but there's something different in the way he looks at her. Like his wound, it's raw and tender.

 

Rose swallows hard as she sits down in front of his chair. She rips open the bacts patch, and carefully applies it to the wound. He hisses slightly at the cold contact of the patch, then at the extra pressure Rose adds to make sure it sticks.

 

“All better,” Rose says, looking up at him with a triumphant smile. He returns it, and she stands up, removing her hand from his bare torso.

 

He slides the shirt back down and fixes her with a grateful expression. “Thank you. For the patch and...and for running.”

 

Rose glances away, unable to meet his eye. She hadn't given his words to her much thought, too wrapped up in the possibility of him not making it, and then his injury, but now that she can…

 

She manages a nod, and starts toying with her commlink by force of habit. Everything clicks into place: all the times she’s caught him staring at her, the desperation to keep her safe, that  _ look _ he gives her--like she hung every star in the sky…

 

He’s in love with her.

 

And a quiet voice in the back of her mind whispers she's in love with him, too.

 

Rose immediately shushes it, and tries to focus on her commlink.

They don't talk about the recon mission again, but it weighs heavily in Rose’s mind whenever she isn't distracted. She  _ knows _ Poe feels something for her, there's no denying it,  _ but… _

 

But he hasn't been the only one acting like a lovesick fool, has he?

* * *

 

More and more after that day, Rose catches herself staring at him longer than necessarily, wanting to touch him whenever possible, and the scariest thing is that she can no longer imagine her life without him. 

 

But it's not until late one night in his bunk, sitting beside him watching an old holofilm, that Rose realizes the extent of her feelings for him.

 

It's a melodramatic, cheesy romantic comedy about a Twi’lek and a smuggler falling in love, and Rose has to fight the urge more than once to roll her eyes.  But it's nice to spend time with Poe without an imminent threat around the corner.

 

Once the credits roll, Poe stands to dispose of their snacks and Rose stretches her leg, curling her toes as she yawns. She can barely keep her eyes open.

 

“That was the cheesiest movie I have ever seen,” Rose announces as Poe comes back to sit down with her. He looks so painfully  _ civilian  _ in his nightclothes that it makes her heart ache with what ifs.

 

“It was romantic, it's supposed to be cheesy!” Poe defends, but there's a smile on his face that tells her he agrees with her.

 

“C’mon, Lena knew she was in love with him a  _ second _ after meeting him? That's so not realistic. You don't just  _ look _ at someone and think 'oh yes, I'm in love.’”

 

“Okay, in your divine opinion, how do you know you're in love with someone?” Poe asks, curiosity blazing in his eyes behind a lot of mirth.

 

“It takes a lot longer than _ five  _ minutes, that's for sure,” Rose begins. “It takes time, even  _ years. _ You know you're in love when...when they're the first person you want to talk to at the end of the day, when their hand is the only hand you want to hold. You know you're in love when they smile, and it's like you're standing in front of a sun. It's when you can't imagine being without them. When they're the ones you want to be held by after a nightmare--” Rose stops abruptly, her heart racing. 

 

_ Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. _

 

Poe’s eyes have widened, and she wonders if he’s having a similar realization as hers. For a second, she begs the universe to let him somehow  _ know _ , and that one of them will close the distance between each other.

 

Instead, he nods. “You're right. That's exactly what love is.”

 

She clears her throat and whispers weakly, “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

* * *

 

Rose was good at avoiding her feelings. Basically a pro at it. So it really didn't surprise her that much when she started shifting her schedule around, casually going to breakfast, lunch and dinner at times she  _ knew _ Poe wouldn't be in the mess hall; then she started changing her normal routes, actively avoiding the routes  _ he _ usually took. The fact that she knew his schedule so well should’ve been a warning sign for her growing feelings, but like an idiot she missed it.

 

It isn't until she starts ignoring his calls on the commlink that Rose finally admits she's avoiding him. 

 

There's no rhyme or reason to it, no matter how many excuses she cooks up in her head. She's avoiding him because she let him in, let him past the walls she so carefully built after losing everything, and somewhere along the lines she fell in love with him.

 

And she was absolutely out of her mind with terror that  _ somehow _ she would lose him like she lost everyone else.

 

At some point while fixing up an old blaster, Rose dozes off into an uneasy sleep. She's back in Poe’s bunk, but it's cold and empty, the sheets on his bed perfectly tucked in, and the photo of Shara and Kes is gone. It's like Poe was never here.

 

_ “War...war isn't kind to relationships. Besides, I don't even know if I'll make it back whenever I get into Black One. It'd be cruel to put someone through that...the constant not knowing.” _

 

Rose veers around, heart pounding. She  _ heard  _ him, he was so close that she nearly felt his breath against her ear, but the room was empty…

 

_ “Rose?” _

 

She turns to find General Organa standing in the doorway, clutching something she can't see. Organa’s face is broken, raw emotion shining in her eyes, and Rose’s heart plummets as Leia reaches out, takes Rose’s hand, and drops what she’s holding into Rose’s palm.

 

“ _ I am so sorry.”  _ Leia whispers as Rose looks down to find Poe’s necklace sprawled out on her palm, freezing cold to the touch.

 

The room falls away, and Rose falls away with it, clutching the only reminder she has left of him….

 

Rose bolts upright so forcefully she nearly tips her chair  backwards, heart slamming against her chest as the last remnants of the dream slip away. She's at her workstation, a half disassembled blaster in front of her. Judging from the soreness in her neck, she fell asleep halfway through repairs, even if she doesn't remember it.

 

As she stands up to stretch, she hears a knock on the door and she freezes. What if she was still dreaming? What if she wasn't, what if General Organa was coming to tell her-

 

“Rose?”

 

A sigh of relief mingled with a half sob escapes her lips.  _ Poe. _ Just the sound of his voice is a comfort she’s sorely missed. She steps closer to the door, pressing her forehead against the metal, wishing she had the courage to open it and face him.

 

“I’m heading off for a mission, but I wanted to stop by and thank you for repairing  _ Black One. _ Again.  I don't even know when you did it, you didn't tell me...you haven't told me a lot, lately.”

 

Rose squeezes her eyes shut, trying to push away the images her mind made up of Poe leaned against the door like her, but with a look of utter, innocent confusion on his face.

 

“I don't know why you’re avoiding me, Rose. I really wish I did, because maybe I could fix things. But it's your choice on whether or not you tell me.”

 

He clears his throat, and Rose wipes away a few stray tears that have escaped. “I miss you,” he whispers so quietly that she barely catches it. “More than I probably should.”

 

She opens her mouth, silently begging the galaxy to let her voice work, but all she can do is mouth nonsense at the door. Every part of her longs to tell him, to open the door, and embrace him and promise him she felt the same.

 

Instead, she remains standing there, frozen, until finally she hears him sigh and then pad off. Slowly, Rose sinks to the floor and lets out a shaky exhale.

* * *

 

Rose doesn't need to be a Jedi to know that Finn and Rey know that  _ something _ happened between Rose and Poe, but it still surprises her when Finn brings it up during a  mission.

 

Poe and Rey have gone further into town, looking for a First Order defector, leaving Finn and Rose on the outskirts to keep watch for any ambushes.

 

“It's all clear my way,” Rose comments, meeting up with Finn again in the center of the square. He nods a confirmation that his was, too, and they begin to aimlessly roam around the square.

 

The sun was starting to set, casting the sky into blues and purples with bright shocks of pink here and there. It set most of the square into shadows, the lowering sun sinking further and further behind the clay buildings. 

 

“What's going on with you and Poe?” Finn asks casually as they slip in and out of crowds. Rose tries and fails to ignore the dread settling around in her gut. She’d been expecting this conversation for awhile, but she hadn't anticipated being confronted with it during a mission.

 

“Nothing's going on between me and Poe,” Rose answers curtly. It's not a lie, technically. There  _ is _ nothing going on between them because they haven't properly spoken in a month, two weeks, and five days.

 

“Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.” Finn continues, and Rose knows there's no use hiding this from her friend. With or without the Force, he would figure it out eventually. “A month ago, you were attached to the hip, and now…”

 

“We just...drifted apart. It happens in friendships all the time,” Rose excuses; the lie sounds pathetic even to her ears, and the less than impressed look Finn gives her tells her he doesn't believe her for a second.

 

Sighing, Rose explains everything to Finn, who listens intently, hanging on her every word. “And so I panicked,” she finishes. “I didn't know what I’d do if he got hurt, Finn. That blaster wound...Force, I was  _ terrified.  _ What if it happens again? What if he isn't so lucky next time?”

 

Finn hums noncommittally and Rose fixes him with a stare. “What?”

 

“Rose, there's nothing you can do about the future. All you can do is focus on the here and now. Wouldn't it be better to tell Poe  _ now _ , instead of regretting never telling him later?”

 

“I don't know,” Rose admits. “I know that I hate that I'm distancing myself, and that it's killing me to do this to him, but I don't even know how to begin to tell him, or if he’ll forgive me.”

 

“He will,” Finn promises. “I know he will.”

* * *

 

The forest is quiet save the local wildlife and the rustling of branches. The moon shines brightly in the sky, a sea of stars accompanying it, unobscured by pollution or clouds.

 

Rose stares up at the sky, finding that one phantom spot. It's dimmer here, on this outer rim world, and the sheer power of nature shocks her into silence. The fact that on some planets, she’s haunted by her own is simply astonishing.

 

It also gives her an excuse to look at something other than Poe.

 

_ One heartbreak over the other, _ she thinks as her gaze flicks down to the earth where Poe is tending to a fire. 

 

They’d been separated from Finn and Rey earlier, and driven into the forest by First Order Stormtroopers. Eventually, they’d gotten far enough away that they’d been able to set up camp in a quiet, unsure silence.

 

Poe glances up and meets her gaze for a moment that lasts too long before he tears his eyes from hers, and clears his throat. “If you look west, you can see Yavin 4.”

 

“That's your home, right?” Rose asks, turning her attention starward again, squinting in the direction he said. Poe sits down on the log besides her, scooting close to her, but keeping a safe distance between them in case she wants space, which is the last thing she wants.

 

“Yeah, that's home.” Poe answers a little wistfully. “The galaxy works in odd ways...no matter where you are, there's still a reminder up there in the cosmos that home is there waiting. 

 

Rose tenses, and she hears Poe utter a low swear. “I'm sorry, I didn't--Force, I didn't  _ think _ .”

 

She turns to him, and her breath catches in her throat. His dark curls have fallen into his eyes from where he’s lowered his head in regret, but she can still get a glimpse of his profile which is lit aglow from the fire.

 

“I'm sorry, Rose. Not just for... _ this _ , but for...whatever it is I did to make you avoid me.”

 

Rose reaches out and takes his hand in hers, rubbing her thumb in circles across his skin, painting constellations with her movements, wishing she could tell him that if wanted to be, he could be her star, her shining reminder of home, but words die on her lips.

 

“First of all, my home  _ is _ up there. I can see Lux, shining bright. The Resistance is my home, now. Hosnian Prime... it's there, too. Dim, but still there.” Rose breaks off a moment, before pressing on as quick as she can. “Second off, you didn't do anything, it's my fault. I was...I was afraid of our relationship changing.” 

 

“Why would our relationship change?” Poe asks, his eyes fixated on their entwined hands.

 

“Because of the way you look at me,” Rose answers. Poe inclines his head to meet her gaze, and the softness in his expression makes her heart squeeze affection. All she wants to do is close the distance between them and capture his lips with hers, sitting under a canopy of stars…

 

“How do I look at you?” He asks a bit hoarsely, and briefly she wonders if he’s thinking the same thing she is. She wants to believe  _ yes _ , since his eyes keep flicking down toward her lips.

 

“Like you're in love with me.”

 

“There's a reason for that,” Poe says in a quick breath. “I wasn't going to tell you, I  _ knew _ you didn't feel the same way... Rose, I never meant to make you uncomfortable--”

 

“ _ Poe _ , listen to me. I wasn't finished talking. I didn't push you away because of  _ your _ feelings, I pushed you away because--because of  _ mine. _ ”

 

The last word feels like a thermal detonator going off, and Rose feels her walls starting to crumble from the foundation. She's tired of hiding and running. Finn was right, it was time to think of the  _ now.  _ And right now, she wanted to tell Poe everything.

 

“I was afraid that if... _ if  _ we ever did anything about those feelings, I’d lose you somehow. And just the idea of that sent me into a spiral. I'm just so  _ tired _ of losing people, and I couldn't bear to lose you, Poe. I  _ can't _ lose you, too.”

 

The stare Poe fixes her with is such a combination of surprise, joy, and vulnerability that it nearly makes her want to look away, but she doesn't.

 

“You...you feel the same?” Is all he asks, and his voice is so quiet like he doesn't want to get his hopes up, like he never once believed she’d ever love him back.

 

She places a palm to his cheek and nods. She can physically see the weariness slip away from his shoulders, the stress lines lessen, as Poe throws his arms around her,  not to kiss her, but to hug her. Rose lets out a choked laugh, tears of joy springing to her eyes as he rubs circles against her back.

* * *

 

The sound of a knock on her door wakes her.

 

Rose climbs out of bed, quickly throwing on a night robe over her gray pajamas, and opens the door to find a very ragged Poe Dameron on her doorstep. There's more shadows under his eyes than she’s ever seen, and his hair is fluffier than usual from tossing and turning, judging from the pajamas he’s wearing.

 

“Can I stay here tonight?” He asks quietly, sounding far off and distant. “Can't sleep in my bunk.”

 

Rose lets him in with a tired smile, leaning around him to close the door. When she returns to her original position in front of him, his eyes are lidded from exhaustion, and a tired smile is tugging at the corners of his lips. 

 

“You want to talk about it?” she asks. They’ve done a  _ lot _ of talking in the past month since she revealed her feelings to him. They haven't acted on them yet, deciding to wait until they're both absolutely sure they’re ready for it. 

 

“Not yet, but when I do, you’ll be the first person I tell.” Poe tells her, and a tingle of electricity goes down her spine as he moves closer to her. To her glee and slight disappointment, he presses his lips to her forehead, mumbles a thank you, and announces he’ll take the couch for tonight.

 

Rose watches him as he settles on the couch, turning on his side so that he's facing the doorway to her bedroom, using his arm as a pillow, without a blanket. She sighs, “You’ll freeze like that you know.”

 

“Nah I won't,” Poe assures her. “Go, get back to sleep. Sorry for waking you.”

 

Rose rolls her eyes lovingly. “You know I'm always here for you, Dameron. You just have to ask.”

 

She misses the adoring look he gives her when she heads to her room. She hesitates when she goes to close the door, and finally let's her hand drop to her side. She wants to be able to keep an eye on him.

 

When she finally does fall asleep---much, much,  _ much _ later---her dreams are filled with screams of the death, the holovid of an entire system becoming nothing more than dust and rocks, and Paige falling, falling,  _ falling _ \--

 

“ _ Rose!” _

 

She jerks awake in a cold sweat, heart thumping so loudly in her chest that she can hear it. Tears have already welled in her eyes, blurring her vision. 

 

“Hey, hey it's okay. It was only a nightmare,” Poe soothes, placing his hands on her arms. His touch is gentle against her bare arms, and she feels gooseflesh appear in the wake of the circles he traces into her skin. 

 

Rose nods, clinging to his words and wanting to carve them into her mind. It was  _ just _ a nightmare. It was just echoes of the past, it wasn't happening all over again…

 

The tears begin to fall then, blurring her vision completely. Her shoulders shake violently as waves of grief wash over her, pulling her into a stronger, deadlier tide of emotions she's been burying.

 

It's cold, so cold, and she can't tell if it's from the pain she feels in her chest or just the sheer fact that her heater is a piece of shit.

 

And then she's encompassed with warmth. Poe pulls her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her back. She's hunched over somewhat, but she doesn't care as she sobs against his shirt, and as he murmurs words she can't catch, but somehow still understands the meaning of:  _ break down, cry, I'm here for you, I won't judge, it's okay, I'm sorry _ .

 

It's not until much later that the sobs have dissolved in racketing coughs, and Poe rocks her gently to and fro, still whispering calming things into her ear. She hears the unspoken understanding from Poe, wishes she could take his nightmares away, but she knows she can't stop them any more than she can stop her own.

 

But she wants to, more than anything.

 

“You alright?” Poe asks as she pulls away. She nods once, and he smiles faintly in response. He stays there for a little while longer, leaving only long enough to get them both a cup of water--she hasn't missed the craggy note in his voice, dry from talking for so long--or to get another blanket to put around her to cease her shivering.

 

It's not until much later, when she’s half asleep spread out next to him as he sits cross-legged and lost in his own thoughts, that he seems to become aware that he’s still in her bed. Slowly, he starts to slip off the bed without making any noise, but Rose catches his hand just before his feet hit the ground.

 

“Stay, please?” she asks, opening one eye. He’s frozen in place, on knee still on the bed, the other hovering just a hair off the ground. His expression softens and he nods. Then he’s climbing into the bed beside her, curling up against her right side on top of the comforter, facing the opposite direction.

 

“You’ll freeze like that,” Rose comments again as she turns to her side and scoots closer to him so that she's pressed up against his back. As she throws her arm around his waist and holds on, she considers how  _ right _ he feels next to her. Like their bodies were formed to fit each other just so.

 

“I'll live,” Poe whispers back, and there's a kind of contentment and awed reverence in his voice that she understands all too well, because it's now that she realizes she has a home, and she’s holding him right now, and breathing in that bizarre mix of smells that's so utterly Poe it makes her chest physically ache.

 

_ I love you, Poe Dameron _ , Rose thinks and then she's asleep.

* * *

 

The air is thick with the smell of blaster fire, and all she hears is screaming--of pain, rage,  _ fear _ . 

 

Rose raises her own blaster, foreign in her hands, and fires at a Stormtrooper. It catches them full  in the chest, and they crumble to the ground in a heap. Heart slamming against her ribcage and bile caught in her throat, Rose throws herself behind cover as another soldier takes aim and fires at her.

 

In the distance, she can see Finn and Rey leading the charge, blurs of light across the battlefield, blue and green blades slashing through the air. They're unstoppable together, Rose thinks, two Jedi on the same path.

 

Through her comms, she hears a loud whoop of glee. Despite the carnage around her, Rose smiles because she  _ knows _ that voice. She looks upward, and sure enough, she sees  _ Black One _ shooting across the sky like an arrow, twisting and turning on a dime, going through TIEs like they're bubbles of air, and not demons made of oil and mechanics.

 

She turns her attention back to the ground, reinvigorated. She knows what she's fighting for, and she’ll be damned if anything happens to them.

 

Rose takes aim again, and squeezes the trigger. Another trooper falls down. She smiles triumphantly, and returns her attention to Finn and Rey.

 

They're still fighting, graceful and powerfully, but they're so busy they don't see the Stormtrooper behind them raising a blaster.

 

Adrenaline kicks in, and in a second the rifle strapped to her back is in her hands, and she’s engaging it for sniping. Then she's looking down the scope--she  _ sees _ the trooper--a breath here, a breath there---she squeezes the trigger.

 

The Stormtrooper hits the ground in another graceless heap, as Finn whirls around in time to see him fall. His eyes trail across the battleground until he sees Rose, and he nods before going back to the battle.

 

The comms crackle to life again, and it's filled with shouting. It takes Rose a half second to identify the voice shouting in mild alarm, “ _ I've been hit! I've been hit!” _ and then her blood runs cold.

 

She opens her comms channel in an instant, and then she’s crying out into the void of radio silence. “Poe! Poe, can you hear me? Kriff it all,  _ Poe!” _

 

The comms snap to life, and then all she hears is  _ him _ , and his voice is deadly calm. “ _ Rose, Rose, I'm here.” _

 

Her eyes are already hot with tears and it takes her a second to gain the ability to speak, her heart having shattered at the mere sound of his voice. She  _ needs _ to see what's happening up in the sky, but terror keeps her from looking up. 

 

“What's the damage?” Rose asks shakily.

 

“ _ A lot,”  _ Poe answers cryptically. “ _ I've only got a few seconds, Rose.” _

 

The entire world falls away and she's falling, falling into a dark abyss and the tears won't stop and she just wants to  _ scream _ at the universe for doing this to her again and again, for the unfairness of it all.

 

Alarms are blaring in the background of the comms, a proximity sensor screeches. Then Poe speaks again, and he sounds  _ too calm _ , and she knows he’s accepted his fate and come to peace with it. “ _ Be safe, Rose.” _

 

The comms cut off and she looks up in time to see  _ Black One _ falling, falling,  _ falling _ , and then it's all over and a scream rips through her throat, guttural and she's falling too, and the world blurs around her.

 

She doesn't hear anything, doesn't notice the battle ending, doesn't see Rey and Finn running toward her. All she hears is his voice, over and over, and the roaring of her heartbeat. Her entire soul aches, and she’s numb all over.

 

“Rose, Rose,  _ Rose!” _

 

Slowly, she becomes aware that Rey is shaking her roughly by the shoulders, and Finn is shouting something that she can't quite catch, but she hears the word  _ alive _ at the end and then the world slowly comes back into focus and she finds her voice again.

 

“What did you say?”

 

“He’s alive---I  _ feel _ him---Poe is alive.” Finn answers between pants. 

 

Hope sparks in her chest, and everything drowns out again as Finn and Rey help her to her feet and lead her back to the  _ Falcon. _

 

He’s alive.

 

She repeats it like a mantra as the ship goes airborne under Rey and Finn's steady care, as they follow the literal smoking trail to Poe’s X-Wing.

 

_ He’s alive, _ she thinks as they land, rushing out into the sea of sand and dust and smoke searching desperately.

 

_ He’s alive _ , she whispers as she catches sight of him, sprawled out on the ground, looking half-dead,.

 

_ He’s alive _ , she hears Rey cry with relief as they haul him onto the  _ Falcon _ , and place him in a cot. 

 

“You’re alive,” she whispers as she clutches his hand like a lifeline as the  _ Falcon _ speeds through hyperspace.

* * *

 

She stays in the medbay the entire time Poe's there.

 

There had been more injuries than they’d originally thought, so he spent the first three days in a bacta suit. The next two days after that, he was admitted to bed rest, unconscious in a medically induced slumber.

 

Rose wishes they'd give her whatever they've given Poe. She hasn't slept well since the crash, every dream an echo of  _ Black One _ careening to the ground. That's when she actually  _ can _ fall asleep, the rest of the time she's wide awake thinking about everything they’d been putting off.

 

Now that she knows what it's like to lose him, all she wants is to learn what it's like to live with him.

 

It's on the seventh day that she sits by his bedside, pouring over manuals on her holopad. There's a lot of things to be fixed, ranging from astromechs to X-Wings--which Rey has been helping with. If it weren't for the fact that she was busy with her Jedi duties, Rose thinks Rey would make an excellent mechanic.

 

Halfway through manual five (an intriguing manual on A-Wings), Rose starts to doze off. A few seconds later, the holopad slips from her fingers and clatters to the floor.

 

“If you're that tired, you should go get some sleep.” 

 

Rose snaps her attention to the man beside her. He’s got a cheerful yet exhausted smile on his face, and his eyes twinkle under the harsh florescent lights.

 

“And leave you? Not after what happened.”

 

Poe’s smile falters a little, and he squeezes his eyes shut. “Kriff… _ Black One. _ ” He opens one eye warily. “How bad?”

 

“There wasn't much to salvage, I'm afraid.” Rose admits, wringing her hands together. “Rey and I have been working on another X-Wing for you. It won't be the same, but it's something.”

 

The smile returns. “Thank you, Rose. For everything; from what I understand, I owe you, Finn, and Rey a lifetime of favors.”

 

“You’re family,” Rose says, taking his hand and falling once more into her habit of drawing constellations across his skin. “You don't owe us anything.”

 

“Not even hot cocoa?”

 

“Let's not go that far,” Rose laughs, but once it ends, she takes a deep breath. “Poe, I...Force, I don't even know where to start.”

 

“I find that the beginning is usually helpful,” Poe says innocently, earning him a loving glare. “Sorry, continue.”

 

“I...I lo-”

 

“Commander Dameron! So good to see you're awake!” A new, chipper voice interrupts. Rose turns to see Threepio step into the room. “The Princess-- _ General _ \--will be so thrilled!”

 

“Thanks, Threepio.” Poe says wearily, looking as disappointed as Rose felt about the sudden interruption. “Why don't you go tell the General now? I'm afraid I'm too exhausted for visitors at the moment.”

 

“Oh, of course! Mistress Rose, come along.” Threepio says, waving her towards him, but Poe holds his hand up in warning.

 

“Rose can stay.”

 

Threepio deflates a bit, and replies haughtily, “I see. Rest well, Mister Dameron.” With that, the protocol droid saunters out of the room muttering about being selective toward visitors.

 

“Now, as you were saying-” Poe says, turning to face her, sitting up on his elbows, but he’s cut off by Rose closing the distance between them, capturing his lips with hers.He freezes under her momentarily, and she feels his eyebrows raise with surprise. Then he melts against her and raises his hand to splay it across her cheek, fingers fanning out across the skin. 

 

It feels like her entire soul has been ignited with a fire she hadn't even known was there. Warmth spreads from her head to her toes, and all she wants is to melt into him and forget the war, the loss. But she knows neither of them can, that it's tied deep into their bones and souls, but that it doesn't dictate their future.

 

She pulls away eventually for air, much to her own disappointment. She opens her eyes slowly, surprised at her own nerve and the fact that they just kissed.

 

Poe hasn't  reopened his eyes yet, savoring the moment with an awed and dazed expression on his face. When he finally opens them, there's such a raw look of reverence in them that she nearly kisses him again but instead she whispers, “I love you.”

 

The smile on his face is nothing short of joy when he replies, “I love you too, Rose Tico.”

* * *

 

This is what love feels like, Rose thinks as they lay in her bed, laughing between kisses, taking turns mapping out each other's skin until they're both too exhausted to continue. 

  
  


They find their places next to each other, Poe’s back pressed firmly against her chest, her arm thrown around his waist. She presses kisses to the back of his neck, leaving gooseflesh in her wake. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” Rose whispers with every kiss.

 

Poe finds her hand with his and gently brushes his lips across her knuckles, and he whispers the words back to her, and they stay like that, holding each other until the morning light breaks through the windows, and they continue where they left off last night.

  
Home _ ,  _ Rose decides between kisses, is so much more than a place.

**Author's Note:**

> Like the fic? Please leave kudos or comments, or give [reblog](http://poehdameron.tumblr.com/post/168198785641/bury-my-love-for-you-when-your-life-is-filled) on Tumblr. Feel free to message me about PoeRose at any time!


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